Last night, I had a dream of my uncle since the day he passed away. It was also the first time I ever had a dream of him. The dream was nothing special since it was just a day spending time with him. However,it was a very special dream for me to treasure since I never really spent time with him when he was alive. This had burdened me for awhile and I always feel remorse for never spending times with him since the day I looked at his lifeless body during the funeral.
In the dream, I saw my uncle was healthy and loquacious with his co-workers. His head was full of hair and no signs of sickness in his facial expression. I didn't talk to him, but I was standing a few feet away from him. I was listening and looking at him while he was sitting on a chair talking and laughing. The dream was so real, but I knew I was dreaming the whole time. As I was looking at my uncle in the dream, I was keep reminded by myself that this is a dream because I knew he passed away a few weeks ago. At the same time, I tried to keep myself from waking up for knowing this is a dream. I was also telling myself that I finally spending some quality time with my uncle, so please don't wake up and let this dream end. Nevertheless, I woke up. I tried to go back to the dream, but I was unsuccessful. Yet, the dream was so real that when I tried to close my eyes and fall back into sleep I can still see images of my uncles for a few seconds in my subconscious before he was slowly disappeared in my mind. There was a split of a second that I thought I wasn't dreaming because his voice and his image were too realistic in my dream. I really thought I did spend a day with him because I wasn't sure if I were in reality or not. Unfortunately I was disappointed that I was dreaming, but at the same time I am grateful that I had this dream because I get to spend times with my uncle afterall.
This dream is not only special because I get to spend time with my uncle, but it is also unique for being my first dream that I knew I was dreaming while I was still dreaming. It was also the first time I felt like I was somewhat controlling the dream by extending its time before I woke up. This dream had a huge impact on me, which I will never forget. Rest in peace uncle! I hope you are now as happy as the way I saw you in my dream! I hope to see you again, soon. God speed!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Fear of losing or afraid of making commitment?
It is almost two months since my uncle's passing. As time passed by, the pain impaled into my heart is slowly declining. Nevertheless, my heart is still hurt for losing someone close to me. However, my pain can never be compared to the pain that my aunt will go through for the rest of her life.
My aunt used to be a sanguine person who is always optimistic toward life. I guess things changed since my uncle passed away. Recalling the day of my uncle's funeral, I engross myself to my aunt's sorrow expression. She aged dramatically since I saw her the week earlier. Tears on the edges of her eyelids were dangling on her watery eyes refusing to disembark themselves on the surface of her dry and pale face.
Looking at her face made me flashback to the wedding day that they had a long time ago. Although I wasn't able to attend their wedding, I imagined the joys they had that day and the vows they exchanged to the other.
I can imagine that they both promised the other that they will care and love the other till death do they part. They will be together whether they are poor or sick, or whatever until death do they part. Yes, they did that. I admire them for fulfilling their commitment. At the same time, I also detest them for making such commitment.
It always puzzle me why people would want to make a commitment such as this when they know someone they love will someday leave them forever for the rest of their lives. It is already very hard to find someone you love and be with that person as much as possible nowadays, but is even more difficult for me to make a commitment to someone that I know will leave me someday. Vice versa, I don't want someone I love to suffer similar pain that my aunt is having now when my time is up.
I admit that I am egocentric when I think of love, but I think that has to do with my insecurities of it. Maybe I am afraid and scare of the consequences or the corollary on the reality of afterlife. Either way, the fear of losing made me impossible to make commitment because I am always conformity to the commitment I concordance to. I guess I am the type of person that must fulfill it once a promise was made, since I hate people who recant their words. I think it is because of this attitude that I hate making commitment to anything that I can't control in my hand. Situations like death made me wavering my decisions and never take any types of relationship serious. Maybe I do take them serious, but since my fear of losing that particular person in the future that I always give them cold shoulder before emotions get carry away. I know I lost many worthy friends and significant others because of this type of attitude, but I think this is a better situation for me than making commitment to somethings that I can't control.
My aunt used to be a sanguine person who is always optimistic toward life. I guess things changed since my uncle passed away. Recalling the day of my uncle's funeral, I engross myself to my aunt's sorrow expression. She aged dramatically since I saw her the week earlier. Tears on the edges of her eyelids were dangling on her watery eyes refusing to disembark themselves on the surface of her dry and pale face.
Looking at her face made me flashback to the wedding day that they had a long time ago. Although I wasn't able to attend their wedding, I imagined the joys they had that day and the vows they exchanged to the other.
I can imagine that they both promised the other that they will care and love the other till death do they part. They will be together whether they are poor or sick, or whatever until death do they part. Yes, they did that. I admire them for fulfilling their commitment. At the same time, I also detest them for making such commitment.
It always puzzle me why people would want to make a commitment such as this when they know someone they love will someday leave them forever for the rest of their lives. It is already very hard to find someone you love and be with that person as much as possible nowadays, but is even more difficult for me to make a commitment to someone that I know will leave me someday. Vice versa, I don't want someone I love to suffer similar pain that my aunt is having now when my time is up.
I admit that I am egocentric when I think of love, but I think that has to do with my insecurities of it. Maybe I am afraid and scare of the consequences or the corollary on the reality of afterlife. Either way, the fear of losing made me impossible to make commitment because I am always conformity to the commitment I concordance to. I guess I am the type of person that must fulfill it once a promise was made, since I hate people who recant their words. I think it is because of this attitude that I hate making commitment to anything that I can't control in my hand. Situations like death made me wavering my decisions and never take any types of relationship serious. Maybe I do take them serious, but since my fear of losing that particular person in the future that I always give them cold shoulder before emotions get carry away. I know I lost many worthy friends and significant others because of this type of attitude, but I think this is a better situation for me than making commitment to somethings that I can't control.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
This year so far
In retrospective, 2010 has been a dramatic year for me so far with lots of changes, surprises, and new experiences. Although I can't believe all happened within the past eight months, there are still going to be more changes waiting for me in the upcoming months before the end of the year.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster, going ups and downs so fast that I don't have time to take a breath. It goes too fast for me to stop and think what had just happened. I feel like I am dreaming whenever there is a transition in my life. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out if that was a dream or really occurred in reality.
For the past few months, I have dreams relating to an issue or an event that happened in my life. They are like snapshots of my life that have been consistently projecting into my dream over and over again for consecutive nights. Although each time the dream for each consecutive night varies, all these dreams seem too real for me to recall what actually happened in reality.
Thinking of that just made me shiver a little because I feel like I am losing control of my sanity and even slowly losing myself from reality. What does these dreams mean? What are they trying to tell me?
I don't think I am lost, but I guess having everything changes in my life at the same time made my mind difficult to adapt immediatley. However, that's life and that's also the reality of life.
I feel like I am riding a roller coaster, going ups and downs so fast that I don't have time to take a breath. It goes too fast for me to stop and think what had just happened. I feel like I am dreaming whenever there is a transition in my life. Sometimes I have a hard time figuring out if that was a dream or really occurred in reality.
For the past few months, I have dreams relating to an issue or an event that happened in my life. They are like snapshots of my life that have been consistently projecting into my dream over and over again for consecutive nights. Although each time the dream for each consecutive night varies, all these dreams seem too real for me to recall what actually happened in reality.
Thinking of that just made me shiver a little because I feel like I am losing control of my sanity and even slowly losing myself from reality. What does these dreams mean? What are they trying to tell me?
I don't think I am lost, but I guess having everything changes in my life at the same time made my mind difficult to adapt immediatley. However, that's life and that's also the reality of life.
Starting an online journal
Dear Journal,
I have recently realized I have lots of things going on in my mind. Although I apprectiate friends who attempted to help me, I think is better for me to write things out like this. I realize I am an outward person socially, but I am more an inward person when I am trying to open up my personal feelings. I am having a hard time to express myself verbally, especially sharing my personal life with friends. However, this is a more comfortable place for me to express my feelings than elsewhere I can imagine. I have a lot to share, and it will take times for me to brainstorm what I want to say. Nevertheless, this blog will be a great start or first attempt for me to truly understand what I want and who I am. From the past to the future, here I come to pour my heart out. Bon Chance!
I have recently realized I have lots of things going on in my mind. Although I apprectiate friends who attempted to help me, I think is better for me to write things out like this. I realize I am an outward person socially, but I am more an inward person when I am trying to open up my personal feelings. I am having a hard time to express myself verbally, especially sharing my personal life with friends. However, this is a more comfortable place for me to express my feelings than elsewhere I can imagine. I have a lot to share, and it will take times for me to brainstorm what I want to say. Nevertheless, this blog will be a great start or first attempt for me to truly understand what I want and who I am. From the past to the future, here I come to pour my heart out. Bon Chance!
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